The Age of Innocents

At H's 15 month check-up our pediatrician heard a murmur. No big whoop, I thought. Until she said, "It's probably nothing, but I'd like you to have it checked out by a specialist."

In the weeks that led up to our appointment, I continued to mostly think it wasn't a big whoop because I know it's common and she probably just wanted to have us check it to be sure. And in the interest of not creating any suspense, I can say post-appointment that it's totally not, um, a big whoop.

H and I went to check out his heart the other day, only he didn't know it. What he thought we were doing was going to play with a radio that was--for some reason--at his level, steal toys from other babies' strollers, and play with the cord to a portable heater. (NOT ON, people, NOT ON. I only let him play with cords of things that are not on.)

When it was finally--after a good hour--our turn, the pediatric cardiologist came out to get us. He listened to the boy's heart. "Yep, he has a murmur," he said. Were there any health problems? Anything he has trouble doing? Anything that I'd seen that troubled me about him? Any history of heart problems in the family?

No. No. No. And I don't know--he's adopted.

"Of course," said the doctor. "Let's have a look at his heart."

And that was when it finally occurred to me that something could be wrong. I put my little boy down on the table, distracted him with a singing-dancing Elmo, and watched as the doctor got his chest ready for an EKG. It was only then that I thought, What if he sees something he's not supposed to see? What then?

On the sonogram machine, I saw an all-too-familiar image: insides lit up in a static-y white light. The doctor showed me what I was looking at: arteries, atria, valves, ventricles, chambers, my son's heart. It was beating fast and loud, like an amplified windshield wiper working overtime.

All those years of ultrasounds, searching for a heartbeat, came rushing back. The heartbeat they show you when the fetus is only a few weeks old is just this tiny blinking thing. An echo of a dot. It's miraculous because it's beating inside you but visually, it's not much to look at. But the heartbeat of a 15 month old is amazing. The hugeness, the detail, the black and white beauty of it. The fact that it's not going to slow down or vanish or merely end up a picture on your refrigerator that you finally take down when you've accepted that it's really gone.   It was a great moment for me just to be able to look--shamelessly and with all the gratitude in the world--at H's heart as it did its work.

In the end, as I promised, there was nothing wrong--no abnormalities or defects. It's called an Innocent Murmur and chances are it will disappear one day. It's common in infants and children and won't restrict him in any way. We're all clear. On the way back from the doctor, I bought H a balloon because he loves them. It was really the least I could do for him after he had shown me his perfect heart.

Comments

[Brooklyn Mama]

Aw, man. You got me all choked up here. I'm so glad all is well with H. I know that gratitude and amazement you write about. And that love.

[Daddy Himself]

This is beautiful, Jacks.

[Mrs Figby]

What an awesome story. And I'm so glad H's heart is fine.

[Brian]

Don't scare me like that again! Huge relief that he's okay.

You can give him a balloon from me too. I'll pay you back... promise.

[Figlet]

Lovely post!
Tell H we'll bring him a pink balloon. We have a whole bag of them. Any color as long as it's pink.

[Figlet]

Lovely post!
Tell H we'll bring him a pink balloon. We have a whole bag of them. Any color as long as it's pink.

[Jo]

Damn I missed your writing! Beautiful.(And my 15mo niece has the same thing. No biggie.)

[Marla]

I heart H's heart.

[Marla]

I heart Jackson heart, too. I can't believe how much he has grown. Maybe all of those butter cookies led to a growth spurt?

[girlh]

tears rolling down my cheeks followed by, thankfully, a sigh of relief at the end. i cannot imagine how you felt.

xo to H and his glorious heart. and to you and your heart for being so strong.

[Sara]

Delurking ot say I am so glad H is ok. My son from Korea is an "H", too, and we also have a beagle. Like the new picture, by the way!

[Anna H.]

Good god, woman! That just might be the most beautiful post ever written.

So glad all's well with beautiful H's fast-beating heart.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this.

xxoo

[Anna H.]

ps. Apparently, those heart murmurs can come in handy sometimes -- my husband still revels in the fact that his childhood murmur got him out of an entire year of freshman PE...

[Amyesq]

I don't know why this made me cry, but it did. H IS perfect, Jacks.

[Karen]

Wow, this was a really beautiful post. Thank you. I'm so glad he's okay. And it sounds like you are more than okay.

[Jen/Chew]

That was lovely... thanks. I'm so glad he's okay...

[walen]

You had me all tightened up in my chair! I'm glad to hear H is doing fine...he'll probably look back at it as his first trip to "the trainer"--for contract renegotiation.

[Kendra]

Crying at my desk here. That was beautiful. Thanks.

[erinberry]

So glad he is ok!

[Amy/grrlTravels]

That was just lovely. The past, the present, the future..sometimes they all converge in the most amazing ways. Glad to hear all is well.

[Tommy Himself]

All these years later, this is still a powerful entry.