fits & starts

There's No Uuuuh Sound in English

I've headed back to school. Sort of. Last week I began taking Korean lessons at a small learning center in Koreatown. It seemed like a good idea at first, a spur of the moment thing. When I called to inquire about lessons, the voice on the other end told me they started the next day. I said, "Okay."

Here's the thing. I thought I was going to learn some conversational Korean. You know, My name is. How are you? Where is the Starbucks? Who are you and what have you done with my pants? But to speak Korean you need to know the alphabet, you need to know how to read Korean. So that's what we're doing. Next week we move on to learning words and phrases. So far all I know how to say is "Hello teacher how are you?" and "Goodbye teacher, go with peace." But I also know the alphabet and how to put sounds together. There are a few sounds that we don't have in English but those are actually my favorites, so I practice those ad nauseum.

There are two other "kids" in my class, except they really are kids. Probably in their early 20s. One is an adult adoptee and the other is an American-born Korean. We are totally going to have a kegger after the next class.

Mr. Fits, H. and I will probably wind up heading back to Korea in the next couple of years, and I'd love to be able to have basic conversations with people. But I also feel like that by learning the language, it brings me closer to the culture. You can't learn Korean without learning about Korea. That part is invaluable.

The bonus is that I've been bringing home Korean food for us after class: bulgogi, gobdol bibimbap, chap jae, kimchi. So whatever I don't gain in knowledge, I'll surely gain in pounds.

Son of Maclaren

I was kidding about Shit-Me-Not Elmo. We aren't really going to get it. I never, EVER want to see that red freak's nethers. But we did get this! To those of you who accuse me of being totally materialistic because I needed to get the Maclaren, I say this: guilty as charged. But what was I supposed to do? Have my son push around a no-name brand stroller? To quote Valerie Cherish, "I don't even need to see that."

I don't know how common a phenomenon it is in non-urban parts of the country, but here in NYC everybody and their little sister has a doll stroller that they bring to the park to push around. Lately our guy has been hijacking innocent toddlers' strollers, so I knew it wouldn't be long before we'd have to get one of our own. (There are only two possible outcomes when your child "borrows" someone else's toy in the park: the kid shares or your kid gets knocked to the ground by a 25-pounder named Hamish. Seriously.)

This afternoon we headed over to our favorite toy store and there I saw it: the Mini-Cooper of baby doll strollers. We took it out for a test drive at the park and H. pushed it around for a total of 1.5 minutes (cumulative), flipped it over and spun the wheels for 2 minutes, and then abandoned it in favor of trying to climb up the slide as some three year old girl stalked him and shouted, "Fireworks! Fireworks!" in his face.

Just one more thing, and then I am off to watch this movie. If you click on the link to the baby doll stroller again, please people, read the fine print! Neither the doll nor the child are included. Come on now--what did you expect for $19.99?

Guess who woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?

To the person in the card store yesterday whose ringtone is the theme from Sex and the City: Holy crap! I totally thought you were Carrie Bradshaw!

Nice ring. If you live in 1999.

To the shallow magazines that I can't help but flip through at the grocery store: Why the word "bump"? When did saying pregnant belly become outlawed? Apparently,  Jennifer Garner is preggers because she has a bump. That's not a bump, that's a fetus YOU MORONS! A bump is what happens to your stomach after you've eaten a burrito. One of those things comes out the next day and the other comes out nine months later. Big diff.

To the moms who phone it in during music class: I'm onto you. Do you think maybe you can tell your kid to watch out for smaller kids? (Okay, once more now with feeling.) Now I gotta watch your kid and mine?

To people who walk: Learn the friggin' rules of pedestrian traffic. Pick up the pace. Merge only after looking both ways. Don't cut me off, even especially if you're driving a Bugaboo. If you're in such a rush to walk exactly RIGHT WHERE I AM WALKING, then don't stop short to think about whether you left your keys at home or answer your Sex and the City cellphone because this Maclaren will go straight up your ass.

To people who advertise 2 bedroom apartments that, when you click on the ad, are really only one bedroom, with a den/living room/closet/bathroom that can be converted into a second bedroom appropriate only for a small baby/den/toilet: What about people needing two bedrooms do you not get? Just because you write 2 bedrooms doesn't make it 2 bedrooms! If it's 1 bedroom plus some other little extra box-like space, why don't you let ME decide what to do with that extra space and while you're at it, charge 1 bedroom prices. Stop wasting my time, you LIARS!

To my neighbors who are still renovating: Any idea when you'll be done? The drilling is kind of starting to get to me.

Okay. I'm done.

For now.

What Up Phil

That little buck-toothed asshole better not see his shadow tomorrow, or there'll be hell to pay.

And I am so not kidding.