ryetoast

Whales!

H. is completely in love with whales. He wakes up saying, Whale. A whale! A whale. He's even gotten a bit fancy with trying it out in different ways: Way-yale. Whaaaale. Wwa-wwa-wwa-whale! He declares the word as if to say, "Mommy, I am going to tell you the most amazing thing! There is something called a whale! And it swims in the ocean! And it's a whale! Did you ever hear of them? A whale!"

His life is so whale-centric that when I point out the low flying airplanes on their way to land at JFK, he squeals with unprecedented delight, "A WHALE!" I suppose planes do look like whales. Big metal air whales.

I have to admit I am entirely fascinated with his fascination. What is it that makes one child love something and another love something completely different? My friend's boy loves trains. In a whale-loving kind of way. He can't get enough of them. How is it that they know enough about the world to know what they prefer?

One of the best things about H.'s age, just a couple months shy of two, is being able to watch him take it in. To see things for the first time, to call them by name, to make choices, to learn without a history. To find something that speaks to him and run with it.

Beach in Winter

We took the H-man to the beach last week. Didn't seem to matter to him that it was a million below zero.

To Work or Not To Work? Can Somebody Answer This Question?

When the H-man came along the plan was for me to stay at home. It was actually the plan long before then, when I quit my full-time job in 2000 with the intention of building a work-from-home situation. The idea was that I would do freelance jobs, build up a client base, and then when kids entered the picture, I'd keep doing that. When H. arrived, there was no job to "quit" or take a leave of absence from. So there was never any dilemma about if and when to go back. And in a way, I never technically stopped working.

Part of the master plan has worked out. I still do quite a few jobs that can be done from the comfort of our third bedroom home office. Though it can be exhausting, it has served me well. But every now and then I get offered jobs that would require me to work out of the home. Five weeks here, ten weeks there. If I take them (which I have only done a couple of times), I need to find temporary child care, which ain't easy. And it also means I'm away from my son. Which really ain't easy.

So why do I it? Or why do I even entertain doing it? Well, for one, it's hard for me to turn down work. I feel like I should be working. And the fact that these jobs are short make them more attractive. I know they'll be over and I can get back to the business of being a SAHM WOHM or whatever you want to call me.

I also want to maintain some semblance of a career, and I am pretty good at what I do. It's also nice to be able to contribute financially so that someday we may own one of those house things that everyone seems to have.

The only way to not have to come back to this question again and again is to remove myself from the proverbial loop. If I am out of it, I won't hear about these jobs, people will stop calling me and I'll never have to make the decision. But if I am out of the loop, I fear it may be really hard to jump back in--if and when I am ready.

If the whole point is for one of us (specifically me) to be home with the boy, is it wrong for me to ocassionally not be home with the boy?

And finally, if I am not even so certain I want to work, why I am so torn over whether to do it or not? Do y'all also feel the same way?

Welcome

This site feels a bit like a new apartment, all echos and empty space. But I am here. And it may take a while to get things in order, but at least it's a start, right?

This weekend we took the H-man to the Coney Island Aquarium. For $12 a person and $8 to park, it is possible to buy a few hours of pure, unadulterated joy. The wide-eyes and huge smile when H. saw the coral reef tank was priceless. For another $22, you get two foot long hot dogs, and I imagine that's heaven to some as well.

Lot of shit has been going down but I think we're coming out of it. It's been a little rough, a hard few months. For the first time in this little while, we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I have a feeling it's going to be luminous and bright.

And now, some photos.