Guess who woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?

To the person in the card store yesterday whose ringtone is the theme from Sex and the City: Holy crap! I totally thought you were Carrie Bradshaw!

Nice ring. If you live in 1999.

To the shallow magazines that I can't help but flip through at the grocery store: Why the word "bump"? When did saying pregnant belly become outlawed? Apparently,  Jennifer Garner is preggers because she has a bump. That's not a bump, that's a fetus YOU MORONS! A bump is what happens to your stomach after you've eaten a burrito. One of those things comes out the next day and the other comes out nine months later. Big diff.

To the moms who phone it in during music class: I'm onto you. Do you think maybe you can tell your kid to watch out for smaller kids? (Okay, once more now with feeling.) Now I gotta watch your kid and mine?

To people who walk: Learn the friggin' rules of pedestrian traffic. Pick up the pace. Merge only after looking both ways. Don't cut me off, even especially if you're driving a Bugaboo. If you're in such a rush to walk exactly RIGHT WHERE I AM WALKING, then don't stop short to think about whether you left your keys at home or answer your Sex and the City cellphone because this Maclaren will go straight up your ass.

To people who advertise 2 bedroom apartments that, when you click on the ad, are really only one bedroom, with a den/living room/closet/bathroom that can be converted into a second bedroom appropriate only for a small baby/den/toilet: What about people needing two bedrooms do you not get? Just because you write 2 bedrooms doesn't make it 2 bedrooms! If it's 1 bedroom plus some other little extra box-like space, why don't you let ME decide what to do with that extra space and while you're at it, charge 1 bedroom prices. Stop wasting my time, you LIARS!

To my neighbors who are still renovating: Any idea when you'll be done? The drilling is kind of starting to get to me.

Okay. I'm done.

For now.

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